What your favorite cereal says about you
Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes
You like to roll your Rs when speaking for no apparent reason.
Lucky Charms
You lost a winning lottery ticket -- twice.
Kix
You sell your blood plasma to pay for your Netflix subscription.
Cap’n Crunch
You once sent a thank you card to Santa Claus.
Cap’n Crunch Crunchberries
You once sent a thank you card to the elves.
Cap’n Crunch Oops All Berries
You once sent a thank you card to Ms. Claus along with a room key to Room 227 at the Motel 6 in Leesburg, Fla.
Honey Smacks
You buy CDs.
Golden Crisp
You buy cassette tapes.
Golden Grahams
You buy folk art made from vinyl records from a toothless woman at Tab’s flea market who refers to everyone as Trish.
Cookie Crisp
You stole money from a cancer kid tip jar at a 7-Eleven in Bristol, Tenn., and used it to buy generic wart remover.
Cheerios
You were born without a soul.
Honey Nut Cheerios
You sold your soul to a trashcan at a Phish concert.
Rice Krispies
You have tinnitus but only in one ear. Either that, or it’s a bug burrowing into your skull. Yeah, it’s probably a bug.
Corn Pops
Your grandfather on your mother’s side is named Malakai. Spoiler: He wrote all the Penthouse Letters.
Special K
Your favorite comic strip is “Cathy.”
Life
You have a room at your house full of Holiday Barbies.
Cinnamon Life
You have a room at your house full of Holiday Barbies that have all been turned into bongs -- and the water is stale.
Kellogg’s Raisin Bran
You have read every volume in the Reader’s Digest series of Condensed Books.
Frosted Mini Wheats
Your only friends are dust bunnies, and they are catfishing you.
Frankenberry
You like to lick 9 Volt batteries for fun.
Count Chocula
You like to lick half-eaten Tootsie Roll Pops dropped on movie theater floors.
Boo-Berry
You like to lick toads. But you’ve never gotten high — just salmonella.
Fruity Pebbles
You’ve dressed up as Sexy Mario for Halloween a staggering eight times.
Applejacks
You can’t get enough of “Wagon Wheel.”
Trix
You sent an Edible Arrangement to your boss following his vasectomy.
Froot Loops
You were abandoned at the State Fair and raised by the off-brand Beanie Babies at the ring toss.
Grape Nuts
You have given up.
Chris Haire is a long-time alt-weekly veteran with stints at Charleston City Paper, Honolulu Weekly, and Creative Loafing. He is currently the editor of Greenville Business Magazine/Columbia Business Monthly/Charleston Business Magazine.